The last few weeks have truly been such a whirlwind. As we packed those last few boxes and moved our life to Alabama I was left with so much gratitude and yet an immense sense of anxiety. Uncertainty and a lack of control can stir up a restless heart. I’ve felt that more in recent months than ever before. It’s hard, to one day feel like everything is together and you’re thriving and then the next to feel like you’re right back to your old self. Self destructive thinking, sabotaging the good in your life and unable to maintain a present attitude. I hate that feeling of spiraling.
As some may know, the New Year did not ring in as expected. My husband was called to deploy on a moments notice alongside hundreds of others. In one phone call my world came spinning down. I felt out of control, helpless and lost. I call this the perfect storm. Every time I have these emotions present in my life I revert to those old tendencies. The unhealthy coping mechanisms, self destructive thinking and victim mindset.
Over the months I made it a priority to get myself together, take control and move forward with a present and positive mindset. I reminded myself daily that life is too short to spend it in the past or somewhere else other than the current moment and I mastered it for a while. But as my husband came back and we were getting settled, we received another call that he was being sent to Alabama for Warrant Officer Candidate School and Flight School in less than three weeks. Ecstatic, I spent the next few weeks packing and checking things off my list in preparation. Keeping myself busy I felt great!
We arrived a little over a week ago and that’s when it hit me. I started to spiral. Unable to get out of my head and way, I began to retract into my little world. The feelings of a lack of control and uncertainty created a space in my mind which hovered like a dark cloud. I found it difficult to be in the moment, almost as if I was on auto pilot. I couldn’t shake the weight and heaviness that I felt waking up every morning.
Now in retrospect, was this fair to my husband who just started his new and exciting journey? Absolutely not! And I knew that, I just couldn’t find a way out. It wasn’t until I thought about the way I was treating the situation and him during this transition that I made myself snap out of it. It was selfish of me, and I knew that wasn’t the wife I aspired to be.
Why do I tell you this? Because above all else only three things truly matter in this life. Family, faith and fellowship. I think this is an important thing to keep in mind when you find yourself stuck in a rut. How are your actions affecting those you love? How are they affecting your relationships?
Most of my anxiety is rooted in the fear of being a bad wife. Of being selfish, with a lack of care for my significant other. I think back to when I was younger and how I exhibited characteristics that resembled an individual I never want to become. That fear has led me to create such anxiety around my character, my intentions and my heart. Remember this, if you take anything away let it be this next statement.
You become what you think about.
When I began to think about my purpose in this season of life, I realized it wasn’t about my career, my success or my contentment. It had nothing to do with me. My purpose was truly to be there for my husband. To be his support, his rock and his partner throughout this next venture.
If you’re in a current headspace right now that’s preventing you from enjoying things in life, ask yourself this. Am I becoming what I fear? Am I sabotaging myself? These are real questions that require real answers. I’m not proud of the fact that I fall into these low points. I grow increasingly frustrated with myself more and more every time it happens. It’s hard because what can snap you out of it at one point may not work for you in the future and I get that.
You have to actively search for ways to regain consciousness and clarity. Don’t be too harsh on yourself when you get into this rut. Just know that as long as you’re working to be better than yesterday, you’re doing all the right things. Stay positive, stay grounded and stay focused on what’s truly important in life!